Dear men who are reading this,
You will, very soon, notice that this article’s title is a play on words. The content following may be something you’ve never had to think about before, or something you are uncomfortable with. Please note that I am really writing this for you. This article is something I hope girls and women will read, but it’s mostly for you. Nothing will change if men never side with us, and I hope you will take this article seriously instead giving in to your discomfort.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to talk about bras. And how much I hate them. With a burning passion (pun intended). Please, please stay with me.
Today, I was talking to mother about my hatred for bras. Yesterday, I talked to my girlfriends about how annoying they are. I started to realize that bras are discussed widely, but never in the presence of men. I’ve never been in a room with a man where bras were even mentioned. The narrative and the topics change when men are around.
And, you know, screw that. Gentlemen, take notes. Because I am about to school you on the reality of bras.
- Bras are uncomfortable.
Bras have to have a really tight strap around your body so that they hold up your boobs. And that strap is the epitome of uncomfortable clothing. Not to mention that a lot of bras have what we call underwire. It’s a literal wire right underneath your boobs, just like the name implies. This pushes your girls up, and digs into your skin. And I promise you that if a bunch of girls are hanging out at someone’s apartment or house, the bras get unbuckled, and the complaints start rolling in. God, do most of us hate them.
- Bras are expensive.
For sacks of fatty tissue and flesh, bras cost a lot of money. And why not? Women are required to wear them in public settings, at work, and in the company of men. So if every company just ups the prices, women will have no choice but spend a lot of money on them, despite the fact that they’re considered to be necessities.
At this point I bet you’re wondering why women even wear bras in the first place. Let me break this down for you, readers.
For some women, bras do provide necessary support. I know women that say their bras help them with back pain. And more power to the bra! But there’s another camp.
The I-wear-bras-for-men’s-comfort camp. Hello, yes, I live there. I wear bras because it is considered offensive if you can see my nipples through my shirt. Or, God forbid, a little bouncing. And if that offends you, then apparently it’s my damn problem. Oh, sir, I’m so sorry, I’ll keep my natural body state away from you.
Men don’t do that for women. Men are allowed to walk around shirtless. If I did that, I’d get arrested. My neighbor, meanwhile, is allowed to do yard work topless.
I don’t want men, of course, to see women’s breasts when they’re doing yardwork. That would be too inappropriate. Even seeing them through a shirt is just too much. Feminism crosses a line there, doesn’t it? No, it would make much more sense to make it illegal for men to show their nipples.
That’s right. I say that if women have to wear bras, so do men. Have nice pecks? Put something over them. Because your nipples offend me, as a woman. Man boobs? Put those away. Cover them up. Don’t you have any decency? I’ll call the police on you.
If men walk around in public with any nipple showing under their shirts, let’s judge them for it. Let’s whisper about it behind their backs. Let’s question their moral character. Let’s call them names, like slut and loose and whore. Let’s make it completely unprofessional, so they can’t go to work without their overpriced manbras.
The next is to have big, glossy ads featuring male chests. Close up. That’s right. I want them sexualized in the same way women’s bodies are. No excuses. How else will they sell male bras? I want men to have to buy swimming suit tops for the pool.
If women’s chests are sexualized, if it’s bad for mothers to breastfeed in public because (gasp) their baby’s hungry, then those same social and legal constraints should be put on men too. Men’s bodies, in their natural state, should be highly criticized. Nipples should be outlawed.
One pissed off bitch that just wants to live her life without bra pain (But can’t)